Where do I get this stuff? Many have asked that very same question... Family. Friends. Police. I don't know, it just shows up. Like a drunk in-law during the holidays.
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"The Movie Pitch"
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| Oh yes... deeply conflicted. And mysterious. |
Oh, hey. Funny seeing you here. How's the—oh great. Uh huh. The usual. Well actually, there is something new. Pitched a movie last week. No, not that o—no, not that one either. Well—I'm not sure exactly. Mostly because of the injunction I suppose. And the court ordered that those tapes of my wife aren't legal, or something. No, that's right. Ex-wife.
Well anyway, this one is a pretty simple script. I mean, it's classic adventure—but it's also really artistic. Just close your eyes for a second and imagine that you're... no really, you should close your eyes. It's a lot better that way. Don't worry—god you're such a worry wart. Ok, ok, let's get out of the crosswalk then. Christ almighty. Are you dressing yourself yet or does mommy help with that too?
Ok, now close your eyes. Picture the following. It's a beautiful summer day, the sun is just about to slip into the Pacific ocean, and there is a beat-up pickup truck pulled over on the side of the highway, with a lone man sitting in the cab. What's that? Oh, you're a fucking comedian. No, he's not soliciting for sex. Anyway, he continues to sit in the cab, and traffic is slowly moving around him—BMWs, Porsches, even finely dressed citizenry. Say again? Really?? It means people dumb shit. Anyway, the opening scene is a touch longer than the others, but it's so essential... Well, it's kind of an examination of life and art, I mean it's up to the beholder. Well anyway, you finally notice that while everything is moving around the guy in the truck, he and the sun are perfectly still!! I know! Crazy. How long? Well, I don't have the time splits on me, but I think we went with about 37 minutes, couldn't use some of the original shots due to cloud shadow. What, really? No, you're really missing the point here—it's all about that stillness, as he's—oh never mind. Why don't I just tell you the rest.
So, the camera eventually pans down and you see that one of the truck's tires is blown out, and I mean a blow out. Not one of those little slow leaks, but a real serious, masculine, explosive blow out. The man gets out of the cab, and studies the tire, and you can see from his facial expression that he's deeply conflicted and mysterious. Ok, now this is the best. Part. Ever! He's just about to reach down and get the spare, or something else mysterious and/or profound, when you see a pair of sandaled feet enter the frame. Well, I mean—of course they're on the sidewalk. Listen, are you high right now, because if you are the denouement isn't going to make much sense. Actually, it still might, because it's pretty superb, but that isn't the point.
Ok, ok, let me spell everything out for your cold-blooded brain. Yes, the sandals are on a pair of feet, which are on the sidewalk, which are attached—are you ready for this? To none other than Jesus Christ. Yes, I know. It's pretty damn rad if I say so myself. Well you can't really expect me to get into that—Why?? Because it's private and contracted, and well, I don't feel right about that, being Catholic. Oh for the love of GOD!!! I don't know, sometime last year... or the year before, it might have been for a bris actually, but I still think about going. It doesn't matter—I still have a deep profound respect for Him. Oh, and let me tell you something—the Bible doesn't even scratch the surface on how good He is with the ladies. No, not like that—more like, He'll casually mention that he'd like a seltzer water, and *POOF* like thirteen suddenly appear from all the interns.
Well anyway, so you come to find out that Jesus is hitchiking but all the traffic won't pick him up because He's dressed in a long robe thing and they're afraid that He might, well, not be all there. I know. I know. Trust me, I know. Like the 2nd to last day I told some retired dude the same thing, and you know what—he broke down and cried. Swear to God, right there adjacent to the set, his wrinkled body shaking with emotion. But he's doing ok, he had this sweet little Z3 and actually Jesus came over later and gave him a fist bump.
So, Jesus and our hero get the tire changed, and head down into inner LA. Now, this is where it starts getting complicated—you see, Jesus has some contacts down in Chinatown, and He wants to head there, but our hero has to meet with his ex-girlfriend at 9 pm sharp on the other side of town. So, they head there first and Jesus is hanging in the cab, and He can see the hero through an open 3rd story window, and you can just tell things aren't going too well upstairs. Oh, the standard bullshit—she wants commitment or him to change, or stop being such an asshole to cats. You know. Well, Jesus starts doing these pantomimes, because the hero can see him too down in the truck. Pantomimes. Like with the hands—here, like this, you kind of fold one hand into another, like...so... There! That's a goose. Well, some kind of fucking bird, ok? You get the picture. Anyway, the pantomiming totally worked and the chick is just about to give the movie an “R” rating, but in the meantime, all the pantomiming has attracted the attention of a crazed meter maid, played by that dude from King of Queens. I know!!! You talk about a steal, I should tell you what we're paying him.
So, the hero sees what's up and comes down, then sneaks up on the meter maid and does the “touch-left-shoulder-from-the-right-hand-side” and then sprints into the truck and they take off while the meter maid is just standing there, all fat and slow. Ha ha ha....
Ok, now pay attention, this is that whole simple-is-complicated. They roll into Chinatown, and the mood has shifted—yeah, we shot in low-light and had this eerie synthesizer music. So, they're cruising through and Jesus suddenly says, and this is basically his only line—“Hmmmm.” I know. Well, what's wrong is that there is this truck parked in front of a building, and these really rough looking Chinese gangsters are loading up Styrofoam coolers, and they've all got AK-47s and some of them haven't shaved and one of them even has a pistol. That's the boss, and he just needs the pistol because his entire body is his weapon. Oh man, you don't even want to know. I bumped int him at the gym and thought he was going to turn me into the 14th zodiac.
Now, one of the coolers drops, and you can see a beating heart inside—they're a nefarious organ thieving gang. Jesus wants to wade right in—He can't stand the sight of that shit, especially since it's not even bar coded for tax purposes and so definitely not part of the standard economy. But our hero shows His true colors, and comes up with this elaborate plan that he shares with Jesus. So, they confer and then split up. Meanwhile, the thieves are all sitting around smoking, cracking jokes about how big a pussy Taiwan is, and they all laugh and then one of them stands up and points a nicotine-stained finger and asks “What's that?” and the others look, and you see the hero's truck is slowly turning the corner, with its headlights on full bright. And it's revving its motor, loud. And sinister. But these are hardened criminals. And so they lock and load their AK-47s and get ready to unload some shit. Then the truck peels out and starts high tailing it.... right towards them!! But they shoot out the tires and it careens wildly into an apartment building and bursts into flames. What's that? No, that's not even close.
So, one of the thieves gets told by the guy with the pistol to go check it out. And he goes into the wrecked side of the apartment building, and you can see some flames in there and what not, but it's really dark, and you don't know what's happening. And you see the guy kind of prance in but then you hear some vague noise, but don't see the guy again. Well, pistol-guy keeps sending dudes in, and he's sent about 3 in when you hear a helicopter in the distance, and you're really afraid, because what is Jesus and hero going to do against a helicopter?? Oh—EXCEPT IT'S JESUS IN AN ATTACK HELICOPTER!!!! And he comes in super low and fast and drops a couple of MiG missiles straight into the truck and you're like—whoa, this might be like Old Testament Jesus in light of the fire and brimstone, or maybe brimming with Hellfires, but not so fast, because He's got that covered too. You see, the organ thieves are actually dog organ thieves, and so it's ok that the truck explodes. Oh, and the Chinese guys are all hard-core atheists, so it's cool they go up too.
Just when you think it can't get any more intense, pistol-guy pulls out his pistol and gets a lucky shot right into the helicopter blades, or so you think. Actually turns out that the helicopter had some faulty maintenance, but you don't learn that until the credits when Jesus rolls down to the base and shows the grease monkeys how it's done. Turns out He has a Class-1 Aero rating and 2000 hours from 'Nam. Yeah. Guess He decided to enlist because He was still ate up about letting the Soviets beat him into Berlin back in '45.
Oh hey, wait up! We're almost to the final cliffhanger!! So, Jesus is on the ground and the hero is nowhere to be seen, and the Chinese guy has his pistol out and it's pointed—RIGHT at Jesus. And Jesus refuses to talk or plead or anything non Demi-God-like. And finally when you can't stand it anymore the Chinese guy goes to pull the trigger but the hero leaps from the shadows and cold-cocks him, and you're like “YES, he saved Jesus!!” And then you're like.... whoa. He saved Jesus. Oh hey! Don't you want to hear about the out-takes???
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